


"Climbing"

by WritingWithADinosaur



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating, Eating Disorders, F/M, References to Depression, Starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 23:46:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17334635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingWithADinosaur/pseuds/WritingWithADinosaur
Summary: Reader isn’t very happy with her physical appearance. The team could tell that something was off, but they weren’t sure exactly what it was until Tony throws a party. After hearing some things from other members of the team, the reader’s boyfriend, Bucky, starts to worry and confronts her.





	"Climbing"

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky Barnes x Reader
> 
> Key: Y/N = Your Name, L/N = Your Last Name, Y/N/N = Your Nickname, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color
> 
> Warnings: Eating Disorder (not extreme, but still present), cursing, super cute fluff

_Weak. Fat. Not good enough._ These are just a _few_ of the thoughts that ran through your head on every once in awhile. You understood that these weren’t true most of the time, but sometimes you fell victim to their trap and got stuck in a depressing funk. Your boyfriend tried to help as much as he could, but sometimes you were too good at hiding it for him to notice. Saying that you didn’t feel good whenever you didn’t actually want to eat, saying you were tired when really you felt like shit, and so on.

You and Bucky were a pretty good match for eachother. Yes you had your ups and downs, but every couple does and Bucky never gave up on you. You two have been together for a little under a year, and you’ve never been happier. But that didn’t stop the thoughts.

Everything had been as normal as it could be around the tower, but you woke up one morning and felt those unpleasant thoughts crawling around, taking control of you. Your comforter whispered for you to stay in bed for awhile and you happily obliged. Looking at your phone, you saw that it was 8AM. You rolled over and decided to watch a couple YouTube videos and stay in bed.

~~~~~~~~

Bucky had woken up at around 7AM and started his normal schedule. Wake up, eat something small, go train for a couple hours, have a legit breakfast, then shower and get ready for the day. Usually he would see you at breakfast, but you weren’t there. He just dismissed it as oversleeping. He knew you had a hard time going to bed and staying asleep. He didn’t get home until after midnight, so he decided to go to his room instead of waking you up.

Steve was making some scrambled eggs and asked Bucky if he wanted any.

“No. I’m good. But can you make a plate for (Y/N)? I think she may be still in bed.” Steve just nodded and did as his friend asked. Bucky took the plate and made his way to your room.

~~~~~~~~

 _Do not eat. You shouldn’t eat as much as you have. Just look at yourself. **Disgusting**._ You stood in front of your mirror in your leggings and tank top. Feeling yourself overthink, your breathing became a bit more strained and you started to shake. Before it got too bad, you heard a knock at your door.

Looking at your clock, you couldn’t believe how long you had been laying around and cooped up in your room. It’s now 10:30AM. 

“Hang on a sec!” You grabbed your zip up hoodie from your chair and then slowly went to the door. Bucky stood there with a plate of scrambled eggs. _Fuckin great…_

“Good morning, sleepyhead!” He leaned down and kissed your forehead before walking into your room. You both had spent so much time in each other’s rooms that it was more like two shared rooms. “I didn’t see you at breakfast so I thought I’d bring you some eggs.” He then really took you in and saw that something wasn’t right. “Hey, something’s off. You doing okay, doll?”

You instantly tried your best to put on a smile and quiet the degrading demons in your head. “Yeah. Just a bit slow this morning. Couldn’t sleep very well last night.” Bucky didn’t believe you 100% but knew better than to push you. So you forced yourself to eat the eggs he made while you two sat in bed and watched TV. As you were finishing up the eggs, Bucky remembered something that Tony mentioned this morning.

“Hey, so Tony is throwing a party on Saturday night, just cause he wants to. I think he said something about getting more good publicity for the team. He told everyone at breakfast this morning, but you weren’t there. He expects everyone to be there.” He watched you as he said that. Your expression didn’t change, but he could tell you were listening. You kind of chuckled.

“Of course he is. I guess I’ll be there.” You tried to sound happy, but you were so stuck in this rut that it didn’t come out as cheerful as intended. You just forced yourself to finish these scrambled eggs and try to get something accomplished today.

 

~~~~~~~~

Five days later, it was Saturday morning. You hadn’t been able to get out of this mindset. Every night you went to bed with an ounce of hope that the thoughts would quiet and you could go back to normal, but then woke up in the morning and the cycle would start all over. You hadn’t eaten that much lately. Maybe one meal a day? This isn’t the first time you’ve done this type of thing. There would be periods of time when you really didn’t want to eat in fear of overeating or making yourself feel even worse about your image.

But you did your best to get up and try to do things somewhat normally. You would get up for breakfast, but not eat anything. You would try to at least be in the room with the team whenever they hung out. Bucky and you would have your time together. Sometimes there would a bit of a break from the thoughts where you would be genuinely happy and productive, but then they would come back in full force and you’d be back in that rut.

_Don’t eat. You’re not worth anyone’s time. Just go away. Why is someone like Bucky with someone like you? Not in shape, not insanely gorgeous, and just plain weird. Any other size 4, happy, stable, and attractive girl could be his if he wanted. Why you? A size 12 girl who can’t even go on missions with the team because you haven’t trained enough yet._

You just wanted a break.

But there was no way of getting one tonight. Tony’s party was in a couple hours and Natasha was styling your hair while you did your makeup. You decided on simple makeup tonight. Partially cause your dress was very classy and you didn’t want to overdo it, and partially because you didn’t want to deal with a lot of makeup. But when you told Nat that you were finished, she made some adjustments. To be honest, you looked better after she fixed it, you just didn’t have the energy to do it.

“Hey, (Y/N). You doing okay?” Nat looked worried as she put the finishing touches on your makeup. You hated when people worried about you. Hopefully she wouldn’t see through your lie.

“Mmhm. Just couldn’t sleep very well last night. Kept waking up and having a hard time getting back asleep. The usual.” You stood up to go to your closet but had to lean on the wall for support. You felt really light headed and got a little bit of tunnel vision, as if you were about to faint. You quickly slid down the wall to sit. Natasha was at your side in a millisecond. You tried to calm her down.

“I’m fine. I just got a bit light headed. I’ll be okay in a minute.”

“(Y/N) that’s bullshit. You wouldn’t have almost collapsed if you were fine.” You just sighed and leaned your head down to try to get some blood flowing again. She looked at you and began to think of what could be causing you to feel like this. Lack of sleep wouldn’t have this affect on you…

“(Y/N), when was the last time you ate?” Natasha asked that but kind of knew the answer already. She had seen you around everyone during meal times, but she hadn’t seen you actually have anything to eat since yesterday. She could imagine why you would do this type of thing, and she didn’t like the thought.

You didn’t answer her. Instead, you stood back up and got your dress out of the closet. You didn’t want to tell her that the last time she ate was breakfast _yesterday._ You knew she would be even more worried, and you really didn’t _want_ to eat.

Slipping into your dress, you forgot how it was a bit tight in certain places. It wasn’t your first choice, but Natasha kind of forced you to wear it. You could have just said no and tried to find a different dress, but you thought you looked awkward in any dress. If Nat said you looked good, you had to kind of take her word for it at this point.

After a couple minutes of makeup and hair checks, you both headed out to the party.

~~~~~~~~

Tony was known for his over the top parties and tonight was no exception. On any other day, you would enjoy this all, but you felt like complete shit and just wanted to escape back to your bed.

As soon as you and Natasha walked out of the elevator, you were hit with the overly loud music and started to feel overwhelmed with everything going on in this room. Steve and Bucky saw you two enter and immediately came over. Bucky looked starstruck.

“(Y/N), sweetheart, you look… _Wow!_ I mean, you look so _stunning._ ” You felt a smile grow on your face from actual happiness. For a few minutes, you were able to turn your brain off and enjoy Bucky and your friends and the party.

You spent some time standing with the group and listening to their conversations. Then something snapped in your head. Bucky wasn’t telling the truth earlier. _Your size 12 fatass doesn’t look “stunning” or anything. Maybe if you didn’t eat so much, you would fit into some better sizes._ You felt it slowly growing but tried to not think about it, but the thoughts were coming.

_There’s no escaping right now. You are surrounded by people. You need to create a good image so the team gets good publicity. That’s why Tony is throwing this party. Think of how bad you’ll look in any photos or videos of this event though. Just listen and try your best to be normal._

You couldn’t breathe right and needed a drink. Maybe that would help you shut your brain off again. You excused yourself, kissing Bucky’s cheek, and heading to the bar. As you walked away, Steve looked at Bucky a bit worried.

“Buck, is everything alright with (Y/N)? She seems a bit off.”

“I think so. I mean, she keeps saying that she is, but I’ve noticed that too. I know she sometimes has bad days, and I didn’t want to push her. But I am worried that something really bad is happening but she isn’t letting anyone know. You know how she can be.”

Natasha jumped in. “Yeah, I was kind of freaked out by her too. She hasn’t really been as involved as usual. And tonight, we were getting ready and she almost fainted. I asked her when she ate last but she didn’t answer. But I already knew the answer. Breakfast. _Yesterday._ And even then, it was just toast and some tea. I’m actually scared about her.” Bucky and Steve looked worried and confused. Steve was the first to ask a question that popped into both of their minds.

“Why would she _avoid_ that? Eating is a natural thing right? I mean, you need to eat to stay alive.” Nat saw how genuinely confused both of these boys were. She then realized that they didn’t really know about the whole “perfect body” of the modern day woman.

“Oh wow. I have to have _this_ conversation with you two. Okay. In society, there are ideals of what men and women should look like. (Y/N) doesn’t feel like she fits that. She most likely avoided my question because she hasn’t been eating enough _on purpose_.” The boys looked even more confused.

“Wait… _What?_ Why would she not _eat?_ ” Steve asked. Bucky was silent, trying to take in all of the information and process it.

“Some people think that starving themselves or severely restricting their diet will help them lose weight. But that isn’t how that works. And with how little (Y/N) is eating daily, I’m honestly very worried about her.” Bucky finally spoke.

“But (Y/N) is gorgeous. Dames back in our day would kill to look _half_ as good as she does.” He honestly thought you were perfect for him in every way. He couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of you starving yourself in order to look better because he didn’t believe that there was anything better.

“But she isn’t looking at 1940s body types, hun. She is looking at modern day ideals. Size 2 or 4 instead of size 12, strong but skinny, et cetera. And what she is doing to get to those sizes could end up really hurting her. I’m talking, hospitalization level.”

Bucky’s level of fear raised. He was processing all of this and realizing that this is why you’ve been so off lately. You avoided eating, you weren’t as happy as before, you spent a lot of time in your room. He should have done something sooner. Steve saw this change in his friend and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Bucky, you need to go talk to her. You’ll be able to get through to her more than either of us could.” As soon as Steve finished talking, Bucky turned and walked straight to where you were sitting at the bar, trying to enjoy a glass of your favorite wine. You felt a familiar metal hand on your arm and looked up with a clearly fake smile that turned when you saw Bucky’s serious face.

“Sweetheart, I need to talk to you in private please.” You put your glass down and stood only to get another wave of lightheadedness and have to grab Bucky’s arm for support. He knew you couldn’t have had more than one glass of wine, which was not enough to make you drunk.

Natasha and Steve were watching this all from afar. As soon as you started to stumble, they both were ready to run over and help. Bucky looked at them and gave them a look that said ‘it’s okay. I got this.’ He instantly wrapped an arm around you and lead you to a quieter area that had a chair for you to sit in. He really should have done something sooner.

Once you were sat down, he pulled a chair around so he could sit right in front of you. He held your hand and felt you shaking. Your thoughts were louder than ever. _See! He pulled you aside so he could break up with you. You’re too big for him. You’re disgusting. He finally realized how much of a piece of sh–_

“I love you, (Y/N). I need you to know that. And I mean _really_ know that.”

You just sat there in silence, not sure of where he was going with this anymore.

“I’m so scared about you. You have been not only shutting me out, but the rest of the team too. You aren’t as happy. You’re not eating. And just… I’m not the only one who has noticed. Steve and Natasha came up to me to ask what was going on. Then Nat told me what happened while you two were getting ready, then I just witnessed it with my own eyes.”

“I– I stood up too fast. It’s a normal thing.” You tried to lie to Bucky, but he saw right through it.

“Natasha also had to teach Steve and I about the difference between women in my day and women today.” You looked down and tried to fight back tears. Bucky put his hand on your cheek and made you look back at him.

“Sweetheart, you are everything I’ve hoped for in a woman and more. I have never once thought of anything that I dislike or would change about you. I’m going to be 100% honest right now, and you can verify this with Steve, but you look like the perfect 1940s gal. Your body is phenomenal, you are beyond gorgeous, and you have every quality that would make any man the luckiest man in the world. And I am so thankful that I am that lucky man.”

You couldn’t hold back your tears anymore. You loved him more than anything and you knew he was right about all of this.

“I love you, Buck. I just… It’s these fucking thoughts making me second guess everything and hate myself. And just…” You were cut off by Bucky’s lips htting yours. They were soft and gentle, knowing that that is what you needed. He was the one that pulled away and rested his forehead against yours.

“I love you too, doll. So much. I just wish you would have told me about all of this. I want to help in any way that I can. If that means showing you how much I love you or making sure you eat or helping you find a professional to talk to or even just kissing you more often, I am more than willing to do _anything_ for you. We can work with Natasha and Steve on a better training schedule. And I’m sure that Wanda and Sam would be glad to help with planning meals and I–” 

You leaned forward and kissed him again, kind of stumbling into his lap because of your unbalanced self. Feeling him smile into the kiss, you reciprocated. Your hands naturally went on his shoulders while his found their place around your hips and lower back. He pulled you closer and let his hands wander around your curves. At first, you felt a bit self conscious. But then you melted into his kisses more and realized how much he really does love you. And you could tell that he really meant all of what he said. You were his girl, and you were so glad that he was your boy.

You broke away after a few minutes of this. You pulled him into a hug and stayed there for a few minutes, just holding each other, catching your breath. Once you were breathing okay again, Bucky thought it would be best to head back soon.

“People are gonna start to worry about us. You feel okay enough to go back?” His hands were still slowly running over your body. He couldn’t get enough of how you felt.

“As long as you are there for support, I think I can make it” He looked at you with nothing but love and protection in his eyes.

“Always.” He helped you up and you gladly took his arm. As you two headed back to the party, he added another comment. “You are going to have to eat.” You sighed before accepting this as a fact and trying your best to enjoy the night.

Steve and Natasha notice you two coming back, but you were talking to Bucky and didn’t really look up. They both looked worried, but then saw you smiling with Bucky and knew things were going to get better. As soon as they were close enough, they took turns wrapping you in hugs. You thanked them for being there and being supportive.

“(Y/N), you are family. And a family looks after each other.” Natasha said as she held your hand a bit.

“We’ll always be here if you need anything. Don’t forget that.” Steve said as he took his turn to hug you. When he pulled away, Bucky’s arm was around your waist.

“Alright, time to get something to eat.” You took a deep breath in and let him lead you to the table with various hor d'oeuvres. This was going to be a tough journey, but you had an amazing group of friends and a wonderful boyfriend to help you.

~~~~~~~~

_**Three Months Later** _

It definitely hasn’t been a walk in the park, but you are finally getting somewhere stable in your life. You hadn’t really gotten smaller or bigger, but you got stronger. Gaining muscle, getting professional help, being on medications, and now had more of a control on your thoughts. They would still pop up every so often, but it isn’t nearly as bad as it had been in the past. You were stronger than ever before.

You had worked with Bucky, Natasha, and Steve on a training schedule that wasn’t too intense for you, but still challenged you. You really enjoyed training and looked forward to working with them. You could see how much you were improving. You had successfully passed multiple tests that the team had put in front of you. You weren’t perfect, but you were getting better each day. Steve mentioned once or twice that with a bit more training, you might be able to finally go on a mission with them instead of just doing work back at the tower.

Wanda and Sam had helped you plan out meals. They didn’t focus on calories but more on the nutrients and portion sizes. They taught you things that you never even thought about when it came to food. What foods contained the best nutrients, what you shouldn’t eat, what you should, and even helped you make a list of cheat foods that you could have every once in awhile.

Your relationship with Bucky grew even more throughout this whole adventure. He never doubted you and kept to his word about trying to help as much as possible. Even when he went on missions, he would either leave a note or be in contact with you somehow.

~~~~~~~~

_**A Month Later** _

You were finally able to go on a mission with the team. They made sure that you were well informed and weren’t put in any high risk situations. The mission ended up being a huge success. You got a few cuts and bruises, but nothing too bad. You were sitting in your seat in the jet while everyone else moved around and talked or got bandaged up. Bucky was talking to Steve and Nat on the other side of the ship. Bucky glanced at you and you flashed him a smile before leaning your head back and closing your eyes. It was going to be another 3 hours flight until you got home, might as well sleep through it.

When you all arrived back at the tower, you wanted nothing more than to shower and go to bed. You got to the common area when Natasha stopped you.

“Hey (Y/N)! How was your first mission?” She seemed off, like she really didn’t want to talk about this but needed a conversation starter. You thought it would be rude to call her out on this, so you decided to let this play out. Maybe she would tell you her real reasoning later.

“It was good. I’m glad I was able to help everyone and we all came out without any life threatening injuries. I’m just really tired and ready for a shower. Can we just talk tomorrow morning? I’m exhausted.” You started to turn around but Nat stopped you.

“Wait, one more thing.” You looked at her questioningly. Her gaze wasn’t really directed at you but more behind you. You almost looked behind you until she actually asked her question. “How long have you and Barnes been together?”

“Um… We just had our one year last month. So a year and a month. But we were friends for longer. He’s been a part of my life for at least 4 years now. And I’m glad he has.” Natasha just smiled. “Okay. You’re freaking me out. What’s going on?”

Suddenly someone cleared their throat behind you. You turned around and saw Bucky standing there. He was smiling but looked nervous. You had a thought of where this was going but then dismissed it as being too dreamlike to be real. _That would never happen._

“Did you hear Natasha and I just now?” You felt a bit embarrassed.

“Yeah. It was cute.” You both laughed as you hid your face. “Hey, it could have been a lot worse.”

“Very true.” Bucky had your hand in his and you could feel him shaking. You got worried now. “Bucky, is everything alright? You’re shaking.”

He took a deep breath in and took a second to gather himself. _What the fuck? He’s never nervous like this._

“(Y/N). We have been through so much together throughout our friendship and relationship. I mean, I just witnessed you be such a badass out on your first mission. You’ve stuck with me through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have seen you grow into such an incredible and admirable woman. I have had the privilege to be the lucky man that calls you my partner in crime. You are my doll, my sweetheart, and my everything. I know we have been a part of each other’s lives for a few years now. But I love you and I want to guarantee many more years will come.”

“James Buchanan Barnes. What in the world–” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box as he lowered himself on one knee. There were already tears welling up as he was talking, but now they fell freely. _Oh my god! This is happening!_

“Doll, I’m doing exactly what you think I’m doing.” He took a breath and finally asked. “(Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N), will you marry me?”

You smiled bigger than you thought possible. Shaking your head yes, you couldn’t stop the tears as you tried to speak.

“Yes! Yes! _Oh my god_ yes!” You heard the team around you holler and cheer as Bucky jumped up hugged you. When he put you down, he took the simple ring from the box and slid it on your finger. It fit perfectly and was even more beautiful than you imagined a ring to be. You pulled him into a much desired kiss and he happily kissed back.

You had started from one of the lowest points in your life, climbed up, and rose to one of the highest points of your life. _And you weren’t done climbing yet._


End file.
